More irrational fears.

I just now came thisclose to dying of a heart attack and/or stroke. Why? I just had a bat come within 6 feet of my head. And I almost pissed myself. I am deeply, deeply afraid of bats. Paralyzingly afraid. When I was 15, I was at a party and a bat flew into the house. The guys (and even a lot of the girls) thought it was the COOLEST! THING! EVER! and started chasing it around with brooms and throwing books and beer soda bottles at it. But not me. What did I do? Pulled my shirt over my head, laid face-down on the floor, and cried like a bitch hysterically. “AHHHHHH! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!” For the entire time it took for them to finally kill that wretched thing catch the bat and release it back into the wild. It took a long, long time before I lived that one down. Even six months after the Great Bat Incident, people would still randomly say “hey, who am I?” and then drop to the ground and scream. Bastards. I’m sure if they had nightmares of a bat swooping in and getting all tangled up in their hair and trying to bite it’s way through you to free itself… they wouldn’t be so quick to mock me.

I think nature is out to get me.

The other night when I went outside, I smelled a skunk. The fact that my hard-of-smelling ass smelled it meant that it was very nearby. Which made me afraid to step off the porch. Because OMG! What if there is a skunk lurking around the corner and it sprays me?!? It reminded me of the time these 2 kids I knew *cough*mybrotherandsister*cough* were sprayed by a skunk that was hiding under the porch at daycare. Here’s a hypothetical question… If 2 children, who were under your care, were sprayed by a skunk, would you A) call their parents. Or B) just put them on the school bus and send them to school. So every since that event occurred, I’ve had a big huge fear of being sprayed by a skunk. Because, um… gross.

I’m also kind of afraid of squirrels. They’re really cute to watch from a distance, but I freak out if one gets too close. Because it could jump on my face and start clawing me and infect me with rabies and then I’ll turn into Cujo*. Yes, I do realize that 1. The chances of a squirrel jumping on my face are slim to none, 2. So is the likelihood of catching rabies from one (which strangely, is not my fear with the bat.), and 3. I am not a Saint Bernard. But the paranoid, f’ed up side of my brain? Does not care about your logic.

*I’m also really, really afraid of Saint Bernards. Because I watched Cujo as a small child and it scared the living daylights out of me. And then, any time I spotted a Saint Bernard, my mom would say “Look Amy, it’s Cujo”. WTF kind of parent does that to a child?

Sadly, this does not complete the list of Retarded Things Amy Is Afraid Of.

To be continued…

maybe.